How my days went from a blur to a break-through of brighter days.
Photo credit: Rich Cruse Photography. @CrusePhoto on Twitter
My Heard Take:
16 messages.
That was the number of people that messaged me to either check in on me or tell me their story of how this pandemic has drained them emotional, spiritually and mentally. That was the amount of messages that came in when I released my second episode of my podcast, checking in on the listeners to see how they are doing. What that 12 minute episode did for people started a movement that I thought personally I would never tackle, let alone experience myself.
I am that person that as my Grandmother put it , always walking in with my "teeth sticking out" aka smiling. I loved the company of others and enjoyed great conversations over dinner and drinks and laughter. That of course was put to stop when covid-19 cases were on the rise and mandatory stay home orders were put into effect. I felt bad for my nephew Elijah that moved here to Texas from Michigan for his Senior year in High School. He went on his Spring Break, March 6th, and then that would be the last time he would set foot into his school, until his graduation, which was a walk in, get his diploma with of small amount of his family members watching, photo op, and then out the door. He would eventually move back home, and with my husband still working (THANK GOD!), I was mostly home. Alone.
I did know what to do with my time or how to utilize it because the routine of going out, working, visiting friends, was completely altered. I didn't realize it, but it always was making the 'bright and happy' Marisa, start to turn into a person who didn't want to get out of bed, eat well, and worried all the time about finances. I was so overcome with all those problems that my health was starting to take a hit. Fatigue, headaches (from worrying), weight loss, and it didn't stop there. The bills were starting climb, and yes as mentioned, my husband was still working, but I felt inadequate that I could not be the contributor to the obligations to the household as I once was. I kept all this internal because I have had (and have gotten better since) a horrible habit of keeping every emotional that I was going though internal. Then, at my breaking point, I let out a scream, a cry out to God for help, and went out on my patio porch in my pajamas. There I stood. Sobs turned to sniffles, then silence. I looked up, and it was the sun. Bright. Vibrant. Warm. Peeking thought the clouds. Similar to the beautiful photo on this blog. The clouds were starting to subside and the sun was taking its place in the beautiful sky on display for all to feel, to see, to embrace. I knew at that moment a few things: One, I'm still here. Two: God has a plan for me. and Three: There are people that love me and I need to open up and talk to them. Later on that day, my best friends Kifara, Dominique & Alvina decided that we need to see each other and with me not living in the same city & state as them, we were able to connect though the wonderful power of Zoom. It was when I talked to them and opened up that I began to feel better. I began the journey of the comeback of taking care of my body and my mind. I began to walking on a daily basis and doing small workouts. I changed the way I ate and started to eat better. I finally felt myself, allowing myself, that it is ok to sometimes not be ok and there are people God put in my life to connect and help me shine though the clouds.
To all my #HeardThat! Nation supporters of this blog and podcast, I appreciate each and every one of you. This has definitely been a trying time on mental health, but the thing is that we can NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Ask for help. Connect with people that will help you and not hurt you. Get outside and walk around, even if it's for a few minutes. My hand is extended to you and want to know that talking about it here on this platform, is welcomed.